So my (24F) friend Jaiden (24F) has come from, according to her, an abusive family in Asia. We are online friends but don’t know each other in real life. She wants to be the greatest person alive and constantly talks about how she wants to be this very great, multitalented person who’s an actress, model, fantastic artist, etc. and how she wants to be famous but then talks about how she’s horrible and will never be this all the time and IDK how to help anymore. I listen but she always asks me if I think she can be this person.
Not to sound like I’m jumping directly to something extreme right off the bat or anything, but just from your characterization of her moods seeming to vacillate between such extreme highs (I want to be a prodigy at everything) and extreme lows (I’m worthless and horrible) paired with the grandiose thinking (FAME!) it kinda sounds like she might be suffering from bi-polar disorder… Severe ADHD with some form of depression that’s going unmedicated (or possibly unsuccessfully self-medicated) could also be a possibility as well…
How often do these shifts in mood occur?
Also - and perhaps more importantly - while I think it’s honestly super admirable of you to seem to be so interested in helping a friend (particularly one you don’t even know irl, to boot), it’s important to remember not to allow yourself to think that you, solely, are responsible for their mood, self-esteem, or well being. That may sound callous at first, but - and I say this as someone who has suffered from mental illness(es) for as long as I can recall - it’s like they tell you on planes: You have to secure your own oxygen mask first before helping with anyone else’s… To put it another way: If you let the drowning person drag you under, you certainly aren’t going to be saving them (or yourself, for that matter). Please don’t take this as discouragement toward trying to help, by any means, as you 100% should, imo. I just feel like even if you already know, it doesn’t hurt to have it reinforced.
Thank you so much, I completely agree. I’ve had to talk to her less due to the fact that she would say the same things again and I don’t know how to help. She has ADHD, depression, and BPD, FYI.
Do be careful with friends with BPD/borderline. It can be tough so take care of yourself too!
This is tricky. You aren’t responsible for doing much here besides listening and giving whatever encouragement or support you feel is appropriate. I like to ask my friends if they put themselves down, “hey don’t talk about my friends like that!” It sometimes works. I also believe that skill in many fields is built up slowly and consistently over time, so I would consider asking her which skill she’s trying to develop right now and what she’s doing about it today. HTH
Thanks so much, I’ve tried that and she just complains about how she wants to be incredible but can’t
Sometimes people just want to hear their feelings validated and reflected back. You could try “that sounds hard, how do you feel about it?” But only if you have the energy for it and you want to!
