They are definitely dead. On the inside.

It took me a long time to be comfortable with the fact that people hated me. I eventually learned that I had the courage to do things they wish they could have done with their time. Instead they worked themselves into a life of constant pain and misery.

Not understanding why I received so much hate was a mindfuck itself. At least now I know I can be proud of my past actions. They were able to target their insecurities. In my opinion, words alone could never reach that deep.

If I spent all my time reaching my potential, I would have never had time to experience life. I know I made the right choices when I look into those dead, judgemental eyes. All the bullshit words in world could never bring a light back into those eyes.

I hate digital clutter and regularly clear out old data I don’t want anymore. My browser is set to clear everything when I close it. If I find something useful, I bookmark it. Once in a while I’ll sort out any unsorted saved bookmarks and make a backup of the cleaned up list.

I’m also similar in real life though. I’m quite minimal and prefer only to have what is useful or meaningful to me.

My digital life and personal life are very similar.

This seems to over simplify the complex feelings I have in both those situations and does not quite fully resonate with me. I can sit with this and over analyze it but I choose not to because there isn’t much need to for me.

I don’t always need an explanation for why I am enjoying living in the moment, what’s important is that I am living in the moment. Those are the memories that are truly important to me because I get to enjoy them for myself later on my own time.

I’m super quiet and often look well composed but emotionless. It seems to give off an aura of confidence which is a complete contradiction to the overstimulated chaos happening inside.

Since I am so quiet because of over stimulation, people react by either assuming I know too much or I’m a absolute idiot who needs to be talked to like a toddler. This ends up with people expecting me to just know everything or thinking I know nothing at all. There’s rarely ever someone that treats me as average, just like everyone else on this planet.

The worst part about adhd and autism is that everything seems to be a contradiction. I personally have leaned into the contradiction because it’s the only way to be comfortable with myself. It may not always make sense but if it works and I am happy and no one is being hurt, there shouldn’t be an issue about it. I am a human being, just another animal on this planet.

I think me acknowledging and embracing that contradiction scares people and a result, takes it out on me for being comfortable in my own contradictions.

Why do I hate crowds and loud noises but love to dance in a big happy, sweaty crowd with loud music? Fuck if I know but it makes me happy. Why do I need structure in my daily life but can’t plan a trip beyond a return plane ticket and 5 nights booked somewhere at a hostel for a 3 months trip to Europe? Fuck if I know but I survived and it made me happy.

I can’t outrun my adhd so why not embrace it.

Depend on who I am around, I will either over explain things or say the least amount of words possible.

If I’m around people who make assumptions, I will give the shortest answer possible and let them read between the lines. I won’t challenge them. If they refuse to listen to me the first time then they don’t deserve to know anything about me.

So many guys at my last job thought I was gay. Never challenged them. If they asked me leading questions to try and figure out if I was actually gay, I’d give them a short, ambiguous answer. They couldn’t figure me out and that drove them insane. My very nosy sister who does nothing but assume everything about me gets very upset with me because all I say is “I don’t know.”

If I’m with a close friend, I can talk none stop for 7+ hours, until my voice is raspy and my throat is sore. Even my therapist said I talk a lot in our last session. Although that’s not really over explaining things. They tend to be more understanding from the start.

The older I get, the less energy I have towards people who spend all their energy trying to read between the lines.

I pretty much just went crazy with the egg shells and added a bit more mulch to balance it out. My parents eat eggs every morning and just put them in an uncovered container to dry out.

I didn’t think to treat the egg shells but I will keep that in mind for the next time. All I really did was spend some time with my pestle and mortor in the sun and grind them down.

Over the last couple years, I just sort of threw all the trimmings back into the garden, especially the tomato plants. Then I just started throwing all my food scraps in there because why not. I’m sure all the bugs appreciate it and their poop is good for the plants too.

I also covered the garden bed with leaves last year to protect the soil, and when that breaks down it should add more nutrients to the soil too. Trying to copy what a forest does with their leaves for the winter.

The weather has slowly been warming up so the most I’ve been able to do is prep the gardens with compost and used mulch from the mushroom farm nearby.

I am trying to start my seeds with some compressed soil blocks I made. I used some backyard soil, compose, mulch and a bunch of crushed eggshells from my parents. I managed to get a couple peas and beans started with my first attempt before remaking the remainder to be less soil dense. We’ll see how it goes the second time around.

My collard green from last year survived this long winter. Happy to see it thriving.

I can’t wait for a stretch of warm weather. I’m too lazy to properly compost so I’ve been burying all the veggie scraps in my garden beds all winter and spring. I know once it’s warm it’ll break down real quick but for now it’s just kinda there…

It’s finally nice out. It’s been a long, cold, windy and rainy spring. Planted some seed starters for my garden, hopefuly I get to see some sprouts soon.

It was also such a nice day today that I went for a hike. Everything is getting so green now.

I took the opportunity in around 2016-2017 to live in Germany for a year on a work and travel visa. As the name implies, I was allowed to live and work in Germany as a way to support myself while I stay in Europe. I chose to stay in Berlin.

During the first couple weeks I went out with a couple people I met in my hostel. Went to a club that was this tiny, cramped little hole under a bridge called Golden Gate. First time being at a techno party ever. The vibe was so chill, the music was amazing and it was very obvious the people there were just for the music.

It felt so comfortable. I ended up going to so many different clubs and parties during my time there. Honestly one of the best years of my life and I’m grateful I had the opportunity to go.

I’m pretty autistic and loud noises really shut down the social part of my brain. I usually spend my time dancing and enjoying the music by myself in the crowd.

It must show because so many people come to dance by me, women especially. I never really say a word but the company is nice either way. Multiple times, women who were being bothered by guys would come dance by me so that the annoying guys will go away. Which is fine by me, even without saying a word, I can help people and it still feels good to me. I’m sure they appreciate it too because I assume they are there for the music too.

I tend to stick to smaller warehouse techno parties, they seem to keep out a lot of people who go to clubs to be showy rather than enjoying the music. I find the vibe to be overall more enjoyable.

I’m not too worried for my friend, she goes to parties and metal shows by herself all the time. I know she can handle herself. I think more than anything, she is just happy to have a safe person nearby.

This isn’t something unknown to me, I’ve helped so many other women that have come and gone in my life with creepy or manipulative men. It’s really nice when my friends show appreciation for me being there for them. I’d much rather spend my time being with them in the moment though.

Had a really nice weekend. Was going to a techno party with a friend but she also wanted to visit a friend for their birthday. So she invited me along to the birthday party before heading off to the party.

Everyone at the birthday party was super nice. It was very diverse group so I didn’t get overwhelmed by my autistic anxiety and was able to mix right in. Played a few games and had a really nice time.

After that we went to the techno party and had a really nice time, mostly anyways. There was a guy that was trying to get with her and not taking the hint that she is gay. Tried getting in between us by thinking I was competition. Physically placing himself between us or blocking her line of sight to me. I made an effort to stay near her and visible to her which she seemed to really appreciate. After she finally shook him off, she gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek in appreciation. I even asked her if she wanted help next time but she seemed fine dealing with him herself. Just seemed happy I was there and able to tell that I saw what was happening and was acknowledging what she usually has to deal with.

Spent the morning and afternoon afterwards at her place chilling, talking and her showing me a bunch of stuff that she enjoyed sharing. We are so opposite of each other but are also so accepting of each other and our own flaws. Such a relaxed and easy going friendship and I’m so happy to have met her.

My stomach and lower back are so sensitive that I instantly suck my stomach in or arch my back.

I try telling people that if they are going to touch me there that they should use more pressure. It’s a lot easier for me to handle.

I think I’d die happy if I was being crushes alive by puppies and racoons.

My aunt died just over a week ago and processing all the family weirdness has been a trip.

Getting super uncomfortable with the religious views on… Well everything. Even when it came to doing good deeds, it somehow ended up sounding like righteous bragging. All centered around themselves and not about the person who recently died. This big display of how good and helpful they are seems to really take away from the genuinely good deeds they are doing.

Or maybe I’m doing something wrong. Some of the more memorable good deeds I’ve done usually come with a bit heartbreak. Realizing how fortunate I am does not make me want to brag. Those memories stick for a long time too.

I’m thinking of going to a lot less family functions in the future.

Also, I’m finally at the point with my website where I can go promote it locally, the library said they’d be happy to put my poster up on the community board.

I got a bit delayed because I found out the hard way my backups weren’t complete. Fortunely I found this out on my computer and not my server. I also had an external backup so nothing important was lost, except some time. Also reworked all my backup scripts and thoroughly tested them. I feel a lot more confident about them now.

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I’ve finally figured out how to install frogcomposband in a docker container. It’s a fork of a game called Angband that’s played in a terminal window. Angband itself has a long history. Somewhere around 30 years if I remember correctly.

It’s setting is closer to lord of the rings but it has the insane complexity of a pen and paper, dungeons and dragons type game. A huge amount of races and classes to play and even the option to play an impressive amount of different monsters or enemies.

I think what I’m enjoying about it is that the graphics are just coloured numbers, letters and symbols. The playable character is just the @ symbol. It leaves room for the imagination to fill in the blanks which feels very calming.

When I was going through my Baldur’s Gate phase, I noticed my brain was in complete overdrive after playing a session. I think processing the crazy details in that game was too much for my brain.

Now when I shut off the game I’m not overwhelmed and I still get my role playing game fix. It’s nice.

I had a former coworker come pick me up one day after work to go for sushi and catch up. I just got home from work and needed a shower.

Tried to get him to wait outside because it was a beautiful day. Nah, he wanted to chill in my room. First thing he did was call my room a jail cell…

I’ve upgraded since then. Now I have a bunch of pothos plants and a depressed chilli pepper plant I keep watering because this creepy, demonic little puking worm lives in there. Only seen it a few times but it’s there. I throw bits of food in the pot to keep it happy :)

My parents were away in Flordia visiting some family while they still could so I had the house to myself. It was wonderful. No tv noises, no news, no political talk, no constant misunderstanding/misinterpreting each other. It was peaceful. They got back last Saturday so it’s back to the same old routine.

I also had a vasectomy while they were gone so it was nice to have some quiet time while I recovered. The pain is practically gone now and soon I’ll forget it even happened. Happy to have gotten it done. Feels like a lifelong weight had been lifted off my back.

The birds are starting to return. I can hear the mourning doves in the morning now. I’m looking forward to the return of our pigeon family that like to nest in our balcony planters. They’ve been returning for years now and we think the children have also started nesting in our other planters. Thankfully they are super chill around us so they usually just watch us when we are out on the balcony.

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I had a nice weekend which was needed. Met up with a friend to go to a techno party. One guy who came and danced with us for a while called us cute. I’m guessing he saw us having a good time enjoying the music and talking to people and it seemed like he enjoyed our vibes. It was a super nice compliment for both of us though.

After the party my friend and I went back to her friend’s apartment to chill until the morning when I could catch a train back home. We talked and shared music while she sketched away. It was so chill and a nice way to unwind.

When she dropped me off at the station, she gave me a hug that felt a little extra, like there was a little appreciation behind it. I think she was happy to have someone who was able talk and laugh about some small mistakes which she was able to learn from throughout the night.

I treat her like a person just as I would with anyone else. It makes me feel good to have that affect on people. It also makes me a little sad that this type of treatment towards other people seems to be rare… It really takes far less energy to be accepting than it does to wake up angry and bitter at innocent people.

Other than that, I’m really growing tired and frustrated with technology dependence we are being cornered into using. Technology is a constant source of frustration and yet it feels like the majority have normalized the use of technology and headaches it comes with. It feels absurd and it’s exhausting.

I’m trying hard to enjoy the moments and people that bring me happiness but there are times where my mind wanders towards the future. It gets so hard to breath in those moments…

When I get the motivation again I will give this a try. A while ago I was wondering if a tool like this existed so it’s nice to see it pop up now. Thank you for this.